This is a post which I started to write in November. As many of you know, I had barely gotten home from visiting my daughter and her family in Maine when my husband's aunt died. Our son had been living with her for a year and a half. So I packed my bags once again, boarded yet another train and headed north again. I spent over 4 months emptying her house - I'll have some things to say about that later - and finding us a new house. My son and I moved into our new house two months ago. In the past couple of weeks we sold her house and car and so the process of probate will soon be over. Even though this was started months ago, this still speaks to this phase of my life.
It's Friday night. My son is at work. I've already spent an hour on the phone with my husband. The dog is walked, dishes done. And I have no idea what to do with myself this evening. Me, the introvert, who loves being home alone, looks at the hours looming between now and bedtime and I'm lost.
I turned on my Dar Williams playlist during my solitary supper - sweet potato with homemade flat bread topped with refried beans, cheese and salsa - just for company. It's still playing in the background.
This afternoon I pulled out half a dozen Christmas novels from the endless book collection waiting for me to sort through. With Thanksgiving less than a week away, it's time to get into the holiday spirit. I've read the back of most of them, picked up one, and then another, and put them all back down. The usual distractions just aren't working tonight.
I could turn on the TV for some mindless sitcom, bypassing the news which I know I don't want to see, but I know that won't hold my attention. I don't want to pick up my tablet even to do a crossword puzzle so I don't get sucked into endless games of Sudoku.
As you can tell, I started this blog post over a week ago. I didn't even add the photo until today, although I knew what I wanted it to be. That wasn't the only evening I've had like that and I know there will be others.
It's hard being where I am right now, even though I know it's where I need to be. I know there are many things to be learned. The biggest one, at least from where I'm looking now, is learning to let go and let God. There are so many unknowns in our situation at the moment, questions for which the answers will not emerge for several months at least. And figuring out just how to live in this moment with that kind of uncertainty ahead is daunting.
I don't have any great words of wisdom to share right now, just the need to share the uncertainty. Sometimes we are so busy pretending that everything is okay when it really isn't that it is refreshing to know that someone else feels the same way, lost and uncertain and alone. If so, maybe this is a post worth sharing.